I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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