it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
