I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
