We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
