we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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