So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
