Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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