i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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