So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
