White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
