Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
