After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
