Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
