Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
