I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
