Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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