Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
