I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I will be naked everywhere
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
