i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
