My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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