I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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