She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
