Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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