When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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