I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
