Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
