I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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