so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dignity is for republicans.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
