I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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