your thong is hanging out like whoa
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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