I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
