I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
