i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
