I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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