no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
