if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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