Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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