Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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