Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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