Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
