Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
