I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize