I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
