saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
