Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
