You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
