I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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