Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
