yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
