Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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