If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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