honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Randomize