he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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