since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
