swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
