This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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