dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
