Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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