you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize