Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
there is glitter all over my balls
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